Speaker | Coach | Athlete
My story begins as an adolescent growing up in Severna Park, Maryland. My earliest memories were in middle school where I was obese and unhappy with life in general because of the way people treated me. I felt like I was not worth anyone’s time, space, or energy because I let the way people treat me determine the value I saw in myself. I let it eat me alive. I hid from friends and parties. Especially pool parties. I swam with a t-shirt on for the first 20 years of my life and just didn’t like people looking at me or noticing me.
I also lost my dad early on in life at age 11, which left me traumatized. I found myself putting up walls that grew bigger and stronger over the years to protect myself from humiliation, harassment, and from others after being emotionally abused for so long.
It was also up until this time, I had been suffering from multiple eating disorders. As an overweight child, I was an over-eater, then after I lost the majority of the weight, I found myself under-eating, almost to the point of binging and purging at random times. I also had suffered with extreme lack of self-esteem, confidence, and self-assertiveness through school, at work, in my personal life, and my love life, and lived in a state of fear for almost 20 years following my dad’s death. Fear of being humiliated, judged, disliked, and just a fear of being different drove my day and how I displayed myself out into the world.
I finally became aware of how much agony I was causing myself with my emotional eating, bad habits, and having this barrier up around me to protect me from everyone around me. It was “safe”, but a very lonely journey through life for the longest time. I was struggling to love and appreciate myself, with confidence, and my self-esteem was non-existent.
I didn’t know what to do, so I got busy doing things that didn’t get me anywhere. I was doing what was making me feel productive but not losing weight or feeling good about myself. And watching the scale climb faster and faster every day was beginning to make me panic.
I had spent thousands on personal trainers, bodybuilding coaches, nutritionists, weight-loss supplements, diets, and so many other “promises”. I was trying to go to the gym but I had little to no motivation and was so embarrassed by my weight and felt like everyone would just be judging me at the gym. I would see images in my head of them calling me “fat”, “loser”, “clueless”, and just the “girl who didn’t know what she was doing”. I went on “pretending” that nothing was wrong even though deep down I knew I was sinking fast.
I had so much doubt, worry, and my lack of confidence was keeping me from creating healthy, close, and passionate relationships, from being confident in my own clothes, and most importantly, from accepting myself.
Things got so bad I almost gave up. And then something struck me. There were people losing weight and getting healthy around me every day! What was different about me? Why couldn’t I feel the same way about myself that others did, and have that amazing healthy body and life too? I was human. It was then I realized that in order to slay the weight-loss game for good and end this battle with myself, was never going to work as long as I was living in a constant state of fear. I was going to have to do something different. All the diets, discipline, coaches, willpower, and accountability in the world wasn’t going to get me that fit body that I wanted.
What I began to do, was to start focusing internally. Because trying to control everything on the outside through sheer force was no longer working. After spending about 8 years working on myself, my mind, my habits, and pushing through my own fears and limiting beliefs, today, I couldn’t be happier with my current life because what I have come to realize that being “different”, which meant being my TRUE SELF, which was the confident version of myself, was the key to success, happiness, and fulfillment. By learning to follow my own intuition and the distant voice in my head that told me that it IS possible. I now do what I love, workout and eat right from a place of love and not hate, and know my own value and not afraid to assert it. It is now my life’s purpose to help people find, create, and redesign the person they are to become the person they have always wanted to be.